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1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Read more…
A KIKUYU man walks into a bank in NAIROBI City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to DUBAI on business for four weeks and needs to borrow KSH 5,000. Read more…
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.
It requires a bit of explanation, first:
One day, the teacher asked students to write an Insha on ‘Umuhimu wa maji’. Let us sample inshas from two students, Mbogo and Akinyi.
Mbogo wrote,
Sikumoja ng’ombe setu silikuwa simenyota sana . Babangu aliniabia nisitware sikanywe maji. Silipofika, silikuta gatangi ka mai kamegaragario.Ng’ombe sikaanza kuania. Sikaania,sikaania sikaania mpaka babangu akatoka rugongo akakuja kianda. Akaniuliza “Mbogo, kwa nini ng’ombe sinaania hivyo? Nikamwira ni gatangi kamegaragara. Alinichapa Sana Na ndio nikajua umuhimu wa maji.
The teacher gave Mbogo 16/40 marks. Read more…
Wheelbarrow – Hurubaro
Diesel – dithoro….
Sunday School – Sade Skoo
Avocado – Ovacado or Macodofia
Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
Ushindwe – Chidwo…..
Read more…
ONLY Kenyans…….
1. Are engaged for 5 years or more
2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate
3. Are late to church, work, and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm
4. Refer to diabetes as ‘SUGAR’
5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift
6. In relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
7. Consider ‘clubbing’ or ‘henging’ as a monthly expense
8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives.
9. Borrow money for a wedding.
10. Have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e.g. “Lord, give me strength because I’m about to knock the hell out of this child”
11. Spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.
12. Invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child’s 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kids (including the child) in attendance. And then expect the guests to “changa” for the bash.
13. Start every sentence with “Me I…” e.g. “ME I donno why you are saying that I always say ‘Me I’.
14. Say ‘Spend’ when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. “Are you going to spend at her place?”
15. Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors…referring to them as ”Burglar proof”
16. Use “Ngai” as an exclamation mark e.g. ” Ngai, what are you doing?”
17. Believe “Ati” is an English word for “What?”
18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it “I don’t know how I got home that day. The way I was soo drunk!”
19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by “Moi” or “Kibaki” when in fact some have never been to school.
20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to “shaggs” for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after that one week and return to “Tao”
21. Call travelling “flying out” e.g. She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to)
22. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better and “cooler” than toiling in their parents’ family business.
23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Kenya .
24. Call their homes “at ours”. e.g., “At ours, we eat Githeri every day”
25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote in the same clowns back to parliament.
26. Have a Chief Justice who has no law degree!
27. Go on strike for one day and expect the govt. to resign!
28. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to “bring Development”
29. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes… thro’ Harambee
30. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle (MATATUS) at breakneck speed to certain death.
31. Drive with their windows wound up when they get to city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with human shit, and still claim to be free people!
Sounds so true, eh? I hope you are still Kenyan by All standards! Me, Iam Kenyan Damu, but do I say!!
Najivunia kuwa mKenya.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager. Read more…
Operator: Thank you for calling Kenya Airways. How may I help you?
Kenyan: Hallo. Germany ni pesa ngapi? Read more…
This is a poem by a Green Hill Academy Student.
Parents, children are a photocopy of their parents’ character
You are the hydro power dams from which they
Can tap the power of living light. Read more…
WHERE WERE YOU, WHEN LOVERS USED TO WRITE LETTERS WITH DICTIONARIES
If you never received letters like these, you know nothing
Dear Sugar
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why this miraculous thing happened is because honey I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous girl. Read more…