Operator: Thank you for calling Kenya Airways. How may I help you?

Kenyan: Hallo. Germany ni pesa ngapi? Read more…

Wheelbarrow – Hurubaro
 
Diesel – dithoro….
 
Sunday School – Sade Skoo
 
Avocado – Ovacado or Macodofia
 
Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
 
Ushindwe – Chidwo….. 
  Read more…

Kenyans are the most creative lot. And yesterday I was laughing through and through thanks to some hilarious tweets from the TungaSentensi hashtag. The following are the ones that made my day. Credit to all the people who came up with these very hilarious sentences.

Tunga Sentensi Ukitumia …

1) Siasa : Omondi, mudodo SI ASA lala

2) Ukurasa : Mwalimu aliandika kwa ubau uku rasa zikituangalia

3) Mutunga : Nani ali MUTUNGA naliaka mimba

4) Mapenzi : Kipaki na mapotikat wake walipita wakiendesha mapenzi kupwa kupwa.

5) Tobiko : Cheptoo, Lab TOB IKO?

6) Kahawa : Jana tulienda kusikiza wabunge huko uhuru park. Sijawahi ona wajinga ka hawa.

7) Chupi : Tukifa, tutaenda CHU PInguni

Sinai : Kwenu SI NAI, ni RONGA.

9) MKATE: AliaMKA TEne leo.

10) Maoni : Mwalimu usinichape kwa kuanguka. Hii MAO NI ngumu sana.

11) Basi : Chips funga hupatikana Bar si hoteli

12) Uterus : Hawker; “Ukiona kanjo u ter us.”

13) Lucy Kibaki: Makanga nirudishie change loose ikibaki.

14) Matako : Putako yuko? (Hapana) Na Matako?

You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.

The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever.

So Osama Bin Laden is dead. Word has it that US Navy Seals nailed his ass but I was thinking, what if Movie heroes had been sent in to do the job? The story would have been something like this…

1) James Bond got in and found Osama was not in the house. He seduced his wife, screwed her and thats when Osama came in. Osama got angry at what he found and immediately shot his wife. He then pointed the gun at Bond and asked, ” Why did you fuck my wife?” Bond then shot him with an invisible gun then said, “Dont get jealous. You are now fucked too.”

2) Jack Bauer broke into his house against CTU instructions. He tied Osama onto a chair and asked him to confess he was Osama. When he refused to talk, he cut off his fingers, shot his family and then called Chloe to tell the president Osama was dead.

3) Arnold Schwarzenegger started at the border. He coloured his face, set up bombs everywhere, killed each soldier five times as the bombs blew up on by one, He then told Osama to surrender if he did not want him to kill his family and after some hesitation, Osama surrendered. To his horror, Arnold then killed his family so the shocked Osama asked him,”You said you wouldnt kill my family. Why did you lie?” To which Arnold replied, “Am a politician now …” then shot him in the head.

4) Bruce Lee came in and said, “You Killed My Master. And for that you have to die!” And Osama asked, “So you will beat me to death using Karate?” To which Bruce Lee said, “No dumbass. This is the 21st Century.” He then took out a pistol and shot him.

5) Jason Statham got into the house, and in a Heavy British accent told him, “I am the transporter. I am here to transport your soul to the other side.” Then he shot him. Thats when the wife rushed towards his body, and in a bid to resuscitate him, she opened up his robe to nurse the gunshot wounds. Jason Statham shook his head, then shot her too and said, “Rule number two. Never open the package”

6) Chuck Norris kicked the door open and saw the bearded man. He asked him is he was Osama Bin Laden and Osama asked, “Who the fuck wants to know?” Chuck Norris immediately shot him and said, “When will they ever learn not to say Fuck in front of the kids?”

7) Rambo was called in. He got caught by Osama’s loyalists at the border before he even killed one guy. He was taken to Osama’s compound and was locked up. He broke free then killed all the guards by sneering at them before spitting in Osama’s face then shooting him in the head.

Stephen Seagul walked into the house and found Osama and his family in the kitchen. When they tried to kill him with kitchen knives, he killed them without even creasing his coat then said, “Nobody beats me in the kitchen.”

9) Makmende landed at the airport in Islamabad in Pakistan. When Osama heard this, he took a gun, shot his family then shot himself.

A real rtshp has fights,has trust,has faith,has tears,has hurt,has sweet smiles,has genuine laughter,has snorts bcus of laughter,has weird stupid unecessary arguments,has patience,has communication,has secrets,has jelousy .

One day, the teacher asked students to write an Insha on ‘Umuhimu wa maji’. Let us sample inshas from two students, Mbogo and Akinyi.

Mbogo wrote,

Sikumoja ng’ombe setu silikuwa simenyota sana . Babangu aliniabia nisitware sikanywe maji. Silipofika, silikuta gatangi ka mai kamegaragario.Ng’ombe sikaanza kuania. Sikaania,sikaania sikaania mpaka babangu akatoka rugongo akakuja kianda. Akaniuliza “Mbogo, kwa nini ng’ombe sinaania hivyo? Nikamwira ni gatangi kamegaragara. Alinichapa Sana Na ndio nikajua umuhimu wa maji.

The teacher gave Mbogo 16/40 marks. Read more…

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon Read more…

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

• If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist.
• If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy.
• If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her.
• If you don’t work enough ….. you’re a good-for-nothing bum. Read more…