If you’re tired of  life as a singleton then it can pay to be a bit more original when you meet a  potential date. Initiating conversation can be difficult – we all want to avoid  cheesy chat up lines. But done right, chatting someone up can be a lot of fun.

Approach scenarios

You have to create opportunities where you can subtly talk to someone without it feeling like you’re chatting them up!

This means thinking of ‘approach scenarios’ rather than just chat-up lines. Create a situation where you can start a conversation and be adventurous in the way you go about it. It doesn’t have to be in a bar, party or club, supermarkets are also ideal places to meet people.

Make sure you’re looking good; prepare yourself as if you are going out (dress accordingly, even if it’s only a supermarket you still want to look the business).

Choose a trolley rather than a basket as this offers you more mobility. Scrutinise the trolleys and baskets of fellow shoppers – when you notice the frozen meal for one or a lone bottle of chardonnay make your approach.

The wine section is always a good choice. Ice breakers you could use are: “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt but I’m cooking pasta tonight and only usually drink white wine – my guests are all into red, can you recommend something?” or “Excuse me (again ‘sorry to interrupt’ shows good manners, another attractive quality) I wonder if you can help me, I know nothing about white wine could you recommend something to go with salmon steaks?”.

Now you have instigated the conversation, the wheels are in motion!

A note for men

Take care when chatting women up that you don’t come on too strong as a woman on her own could find this intimidating. Also, women are naturally more helpful and ready to assist and don’t mind providing assistance altruistically without a need for gain or reward. While seeking advice make sure you’re getting the ‘she’s interested signals’ and not in ‘general help mode’. Tracey Cox’s feature on flirting and the five secret sexual signals should help you in this department – see Related Links.

A note for women

It’s important to remember that men function on a different level to women. If they’re attracted to you or interested they’ll not only talk about the wine, they’ll enquire about the dish you’re cooking and find any excuse to keep the conversation going.

Match your listener’s mood

One third of initial impressions come from how we say things. The tone, inflection and delivery are very important. (Tracey Cox’s feature on body language and the five secret sexual signals has more about this.)

One of the key things in initiating conversation is to match your listener’s mood, even if it’s just for a moment, because misreading this can kill the conversation from the outset.

When you approach someone who’s caught your eye you have to make a quick judgement. Gauge whether they’re buoyant, quiet or bored and then adjust your tone accordingly.

Also, your approach will have to be a little different, depending on where you are. In the park for instance, you need to have a light and easy banter – “Where’s the café or pavilion?” whereas in a pub or club you can be a bit more cheeky and flirty.

Five tips for success

1. Avoid cheesy chat up lines and focus more on ‘approach scenarios’.

2. Ask questions and show a genuine interest in what the other person is saying.

3. Match your listener’s mood.

4. Having engaged your potential date in conversation don’t over-stay your welcome. Remember less is more!

5. When you’ve secured the phone number of your potential date it’s a good idea to text message them (if they have a mobile). Texting means there is no pressure on either side.

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First dates are often seen as nerve-shredding experiences.  Plan in advance and apply a few of our tips to banish the butterflies and  clammy palms.

You’ve done the hard work – you’ve approached someone and not only talked to them but secured both their telephone number and a date to boot. So now comes the finale – the date itself. There’s a lot you can do to prepare, to help things run smoothly (and hopefully help you secure a second date).

Where to go on a first date

The first thing to think about is the best place to go. Lunch is a good option; it usually lasts between one and two hours and there’s no pressure to stick around if things don’t work out. If however, you’re getting on swimmingly you can always go on somewhere else.

If choosing to go out for dinner then take care with the restaurant you choose as they often dim the lights and soften the music, which can then make it look like you’re on a romantic date – before you’ve worked out if that’s the way you’d like it to be.

Pre-date preparation

People are often panicked by awkward silences, but a little preparation goes a long way. By reading a couple of newspapers to brush-up on showbiz gossip and current affairs you will have plenty of material to keep your companion engaged. It might help to pick four or five interesting topics, jot them down and keep them handy. Nine times out of ten just knowing that they’re there is enough – you’ll probably find that you don’t need them anyway.

Conversation on the date

To take the pressure off the date and to guarantee that the chat flows freely, you can prepare a loose plan of what you’d like to talk about. You’ll probably find that you don’t need it, but as any tightrope walker will admit, the experience is a lot more comfortable with a safety net.

So prepare yourself a conversational beginning, middle and an end:

You could ask questions about the menu, food or wine they enjoy, your journey there, their work, whether they enjoy it.

What shall we have to drink?

Do you fancy wine with the meal?

Let’s check out the menu! Is there anything on the menu you haven’t tried but have been curious about?

Where do you live? Did it take long to get here?

What sort of work do you do? Do you enjoy it?

You could ask questions about hobbies, travel or anything they’ve mentioned previously that could be expanded on:

Do you have any hobbies?

Have you travelled much? Where have you been?

Are you going away this year?

What country would you most like to go to and why?

You could also throw in an offbeat question to lighten the mood, something like: “If you could cook for any three people from history, who would they be?”. If this peps up the conversation, you could also ask: “What would you cook for them?”.

At this point things will be coming to a climax, so if a second date has not been secured or has not come up, a good question to ask is:

What was the last film you saw? Anything on at the moment you would like to see? (and it doesn’t matter if you’ve already seen it, simply say: “Oh I’d love to see that”) And if they’re interested they should say something along the lines of: “Well I am thinking of going to see it next week you are more than welcome to join me.”

Don’t worry too much about having to see the film again. The fact is you have secured a second date and when next week comes you can always say “I’m not in a cinema mood. Do you fancy going for a drink instead?”

Five tips for success

1. Have a few questions and conversation topics prepared in advance.
2. Listen to your date with genuine interest.
3. Ask questions – talk about the food you’re eating, share the conversation.
4. Be positive and remember you’re selling yourself on the first date.
5. And finally, you’ve worked hard to get this date so think happy and enjoy yourself!

Now put your dating skills to the test!

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A number of subconscious triggers play a major role in the  dating game, governing how we see each other. Find out how to avoid getting the  push before you’ve said "hello"!

Statistics differ but most experts agree it takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we fancy someone – and as much as we’d like to think it all rests on that witty one-liner, it doesn’t.

Fifty-five per cent of the impression we get from someone comes through our body language

Thirty-eight per cent is from the tone, speed and inflection of our voice

and a mere seven per cent is from what we’re actually saying!

First impressions

This doesn’t mean you can get away with droning on about your passion for snails and butterfly collection forever (content is crucial later), but it does mean you need to get the body language right straight away or they won’t bother to stick around to find out how fascinating you are.

If you’re not already feeling horribly self-conscious, you should be. To make you completely paranoid, here’s another scary thought. Before you’ve even spoken to the person you’ve got your eye on, the way you’ve walked and stood is more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!

We make snap judgements based on instinct but the fact is, almost every facet of our personality is evident from our appearance, posture and the way we move.

So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals – and (more importantly) how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking (and the flirting) by learning to recognise…

The five secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with you

The flirting triangle. When we look at people we’re not familiar with (in a business situation for instance), our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and mouth.

Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger – it widens at the bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we’ll look from eye to eye – and the more time we’ll spend looking at their mouth.

If someone is watching your mouth while you’re talking to them, it can be very, very seductive. It could be that they’re imagining what it would be like to kiss you.

Mirroring. This is what separates a good flirt from a great flirt: nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behaviour. This simply means you do whatever it is they do. If they lean forward to tell you something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back to take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, you pause then follow suit.

The theory behind mirroring is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level as us and in the same mood as we are.

There are two no-go areas with this one, though: firstly, only mirror positive body language; second, capture the spirit rather than mimicking them. As a general rule, wait around 50 seconds before following their gestures.

The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we’re attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they are similarly attracted, they raise their eyebrows in return. Never noticed? It’s not surprising since the whole thing lasts only about a fifth of a second!

We’re not consciously aware of doing it, but it’s a gesture that is duplicated by every culture on Earth. In fact, some experts claim it’s the most instantly recognised non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans.

The trick is to watch for it when you meet someone you fancy. Better still, tell them you’re interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second – deliberately raise them while catching their eye for full impact.

Pointing. Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing – we tend to point toward the person we’re interested in. If we find someone attractive, we’ll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms, feet, legs, toes.

Again, it’s an unconscious indicator to make our intentions known. Unconsciously, this is often picked up by the other person, without them really knowing why.

So if you’ve got your eye on someone in the corner, point your body in their direction – even if you don’t make eye contact, they may take the hint.

Blinking. If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases and so does their blink rate. If you want to up the odds in your favour, try increasing the blink rate of the person you’re talking to, by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more attracted to each other!

Now, one final word before you go rushing off to the nearest bar to practise all this. Before you go, you must understand…

The golden rule of body language

Don’t judge on one thing alone. Sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might also mean you’re freezing cold, you’re having a fat day or just spilt coffee all over your top!

Don’t jump to conclusions, instead look for clusters of behaviour. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, it’s a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive. Most body language experts favour the Rule of Four, which means look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Safety on dates

• Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Help prevent any unwanted chasing (which might turn into stalking) by being polite but not leading them on. If you don’t fancy them, just say ‘”You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”
• Stick to an area that’s well lit with lots of people around. It’s a good idea to meet in a place where you’re known so the person you’re with can be identified. Chat away to the waiter/waitress so it’s obvious you’ve been seen with them.
• Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well.
• Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they using the service for the right reasons or are they just after sex?
• Give the details of your date to several friends - where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you’re OK; you phone them a few hours later to report in again.

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Leave your comedy clothes in the  wardrobe, T shirts with slogans, cufflinks that are clocks, ties with cartoon  characters… please just don’t go there. It never amuses any woman.

Top Tips

Leave your comedy clothes in the wardrobe, T shirts with slogans, cufflinks that are clocks, ties with cartoon characters… please just don’t go there. It never amuses any woman.

1. Don’t wear a suit if you don’t feel comfortable in it. Looking uptight and constantly fiddling with a choking collar is a real turnoff.
2. Do wear smart separates that look like you have made an effort. Trying to look like you haven’t bothered is insulting to your date, and is arrogant in the extreme.
3. Make sure you wear deodorant – underarm patches are never a good look and are more likely to appear when you are nervous.
4. Only wear sandals if you have good feet, it’s amazing how many women can go off a potential lover when they see a pair of yellow toenails.
5. Don’t show off your tattoos, a lot of girls these days do love them, but some don’t, so play safe and save them for a showing on a later date.
6. Never try and impress your date with inside fashion knowledge if you don’t know what you are talking about. There is always a chance she will know more than you and see through your act.
7. Have the confidence to give your date a compliment on what she’s wearing. Every woman likes to know that her effort has been appreciated, even if you dislike her outfit, find one thing to focus on and be complimentary.

Definite date dos

• Do have clean hands and nails, we all notice hands and grubby is a turn off.
• Do have a snack before you go out to curb the hunger pangs, settle butterflies in your tummy and stop your first drink going straight to your head.
• Do choose just one area of your body you are happy to reveal.
• Do make time to wash your hair, it always shows if you haven’t bothered.
• Do remember less is more in every respect on a date, be it bronzer, aftershave or jewellery.
• Do wear clothes that fit properly; spilling out of clothes that are too small looks plain awful.

Definite date don’ts

• Don’t start drinking when you’re getting ready, you’ll arrive drunk.
• Don’t wear clothes that aren’t appropriate for the chosen venue.
• Don’t dress like a totally different person from the way you would normally.
• Don’t take over the top presents with you – flowers or a small gift the day after the date would be better.
• Don’t reveal intimate secrets or draw attention to defects, real or imagined.
• Don’t wear too much jewellery – it just looks tacky.

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All of us, currently  dating or not, know the horrible truth – that in the first few seconds of  meeting someone we subconsciously and consciously make instant judgments about  people’s characters and personalities.

Looking your best

If someone ever invented a magic fashion wand or a foolproof manual of dating rules for singletons, they’d be very rich indeed. Until that happens, what you can do is take heed of some style advice that will ensure you look your very best on your first date, and give yourself every chance of successfully negotiating date number two!

What is style?

Style is quite simply wearing what suits us – and anyone can learn how to dress for maximum dating success. Personal style is not about designer labels, the latest celebrity trend or must-have accessories; it’s simply about having the confidence and self awareness to make the very most of what you have. It’s about concentrating on the good bits, to help you arrive on a first date oozing genuine appeal and confidence.

Style tips for women

Top tips

Never be tempted to use hairspray: it looks naff, smells horrid and your date will get an unpleasant surprise if they touch your hair.

1. Remember, less is more when it comes to looking alluring, you want to look mysterious, not downright cheap.
2. This is not the night for long red nails or bright red lips; they’re both too obvious a sign to a man that you are interested.
3. Wear discreet jewellery, not masses of gold – he won’t understand the fashion irony of the St Tropez chic look.
4. Looking too trendy is also a bad idea. Your best friend might be jealous of your outfit, but your date may find it plain scary.
5. Use a colour corrector (green coloured foundation) as a base if you are prone to blushing or flush when you drink alcohol.
6. Never try and shop for a new outfit on the day of the date; life never works like that, you will get increasingly stressed and rarely will you find your dream outfit.
7. Make sure you wear a bra that fits you properly and feel confident showing off a hint of cleavage. It’s amazing how many women wear the wrong size and it shows.
8. If in doubt, think Meg Ryan rather than Madonna – a mysterious feminine look is a definite winner with most men.

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For most people,  making a commitment, perhaps through marriage or living together, is a natural  progression from falling in love. But it can be upsetting if you’ve reached  that stage and your partner doesn’t feel the same.

Why people avoid commitment

If you want to take the next step with your relationship and your partner is shying away, it’s a natural reaction to think there must be something wrong with you. But if they’re showing no signs of wanting to leave the relationship this is unlikely to be the case. More often it’s to do with not feeling ready or fears that the relationship won’t work out.

There are three main reasons why some people find it difficult to commit to a relationship:

• they feel it’s too soon
• they’re scared the relationship won’t work
• they’re in love with romance

Too soon

There’s no right or wrong speed for a developing relationship. Everyone needs to go at his or her own pace. Perhaps they feel they need more time to get to know you, to grow together and work through differences.

Some people need more time to get to know themselves and explore their expectations of life. There may be things they feel they need to sort out before committing to the relationship, such as a career or issues with family members.

People who have been hurt in the past often need longer than others to feel sure of their feelings and confident that they can trust those feelings.

Relationship fears

Anxiety over whether the relationship will work is the most common reason why some people find it hard to commit. As divorce rates continue, it’s not surprising that fears are growing about the permanence of relationships. If someone comes from a family background where there was divorce, they’re even more likely to be anxious that the same could happen to them.

There will never be a guarantee that a relationship will work, but the longer you’ve been together, the better your chances and your confidence.

In love with romance

While a lot of people see romance as part of the chase, others have little desire to catch a mate but prefer to spend their lives chasing.

Some people simply can’t accept the sacrifices commitment brings. Some are in love with the newness and excitement of romance and simply don’t feel they can honestly make the commitment to faithfulness that most partners expect.

How to cope

Whatever the reason for your partner not wanting to commit, the following should help you to communicate better and cope with the waiting.

• Explore the reasons. While you may not be able to directly change your partner, understanding why they feel as they do will help you accept their position.
• Give reassurance. If you find they’re fearful the relationship won’t work out, then offer plenty of reassurance that you’re committed to working at the relationship through good times and bad.
• Set time posts. Rather than feeling you have to wait indefinitely, set yourself time posts. Decide that you’ll review how you’re both feeling about commitment every six months – or whatever period feels right for you.
• Enjoy yourselves. Once you’ve agreed that you’ve put the commitment issue on hold for six months, make sure you do everything you can to forget it and enjoy all the other aspects of your relationship.
• Plan practice runs. If there are particular issues that your partner is concerned about then do what you can to rehearse the situations. Perhaps you could holiday together, spend more time with in-laws or just discuss some of the tricky issues that you still need to resolve.
• Consider counselling. If some of the issues seem quite deep rooted then consider couple counselling .
• Remember you have a choice. This one may seem very difficult, but it’s true. You can decide to wait for your partner or to leave. This isn’t to say it would be an easy decision, but ultimately you do have a choice. If you think you need to explore this then you might find it helpful to read Is it over?.

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Although living together is now acceptable, 60 per cent of  cohabiting couples still get married after a few years. This article looks at  why we still marry in the face of divorce statistics and how to make sure it’s  the right choice for you.

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet” – Mae West

Good reasons to marry

Because you’re in love. Although love shouldn’t be the only reason to marry, it’s an important ingredient in the most successful relationships.

To make a commitment. You’ve decided that you want to be together forever, knowing each other’s faults and failings.

It’s part of your culture. The ceremony of marriage is an integral part of your cultural or religious beliefs and an essential part of your core value system.

To start a family. You’ve both enjoyed a secure and committed relationship for some time and feel marriage is the best environment in which to bring up children.

To celebrate. Because you want your family and friends to share with you in your happiness and commitment as a couple.

It’s the right time. You have a solid and secure relationship and it feels like the logical next step.

Bad reasons to marry

To make your relationship secure. If your relationship isn’t secure before you marry, there’s no reason to think it will be afterwards. It may be harder for you to separate after marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.

Fear of being alone. Some people marry because they’re scared that no one else will have them. Remember, it’s better to be left on the shelf than spend your whole life in the wrong cupboard.

For the children. It’s true that, on the whole, children benefit from living with two parents, but marrying purely for your child is unlikely to create a happy home environment.

You want a big wedding. The big white wedding may seem like a fairy tale come true, but it only lasts a day. Marriage is (supposed to be) for life.

To recover from divorce. Some people want a second marriage to help them to get over the first – to prove that they’re OK. But those feelings must come from within.

You may have many more reasons why you want to marry. The most important thing is that you and your partner have fully discussed your reasons and that you’re both confident you share the same motivation and intentions.

Fears and expectations

As well as looking at your reasons for getting married it’s important to look at what you expect from married life. Some people blame current divorce rates on the fact that people expect too much from marriage, but this isn’t necessarily the case.

As long as you both share the same expectations, you can work together to achieve them. But if you both expect different things, one of you will always be disappointed.

Your expectations and fears may be influenced by many things, including experiences of friends, previous relationships and media images. But one of the most powerful influences will be your family.

As small children we learn about relationships by watching our parents. These messages often sink deep into our unconscious mind, waiting to pop up when we become wives or husbands ourselves.

It’s perfectly natural to have doubts and fears about getting married – it’s one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. But as long as you and your partner can openly share your feelings, support and reassure each other, chances are you’re on the right track.

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Getting married is a huge step, so it’s worth making sure you and your partner are thinking along the same lines before you tie the knot. Its recommends asking yourself the following questions.

1. Do we love, trust and respect each other?
2. Do we share the same expectations of marriage?
3. Do we share things in common that make us shout, cry and laugh?
4. Do we agree on major life issues, such as children, family and friends, where we’ll live and style of living?
5. Do we have a way of managing conflict?
6. Do we share the same views on infidelity and commitment to avoiding temptation?
7. Do we love each other just the way we are today, without any hidden agenda to try to change the other?

You don’t have to agree on everything. The important thing is that you and your partner have talked through these questions and both feel confident you can live and work together, knowing what the other believes.

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Sometimes  the very things that attract us to someone are the ones we later find hardest  to live with. Work through this exercise to find out what’s changed in your  relationship.

Preparation

You’ll need a pen and some paper.

Make sure you have a reasonable block of time, say 30 minutes, when you won’t be disturbed.

If you’re struggling to remember when you first met, dig out some old photographs and spend time reminiscing. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three.

In the first column write down all the character and behavioural traits that first attracted you to your partner. For example:

• easy-going
• fun-loving
• affectionate
• looked after their appearance

In the second column write down how you felt about those traits and how they made you feel when you were together.

For example, you might enjoy someone’s easy-going nature because they let you choose where to go, and you might be proud to be with someone who takes time looking after their appearance.

Tip: If you do this exercise when you’re feeling angry or upset with your partner you will get quite a different picture, so make sure you’re in a reasonable frame of mind.

In the third column, write down how you feel about your partner’s character traits now. For many things you may feel the same, but for others you may feel quite different.

For example, you may now find someone who is easy-going frustrating because they won’t make a decision and you may be irritated by the vanity of the person who looks after their appearance.

When you’ve finished this exercise you should be able to see that there’s a good and bad side to every character trait.

Now it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept the good with the bad. An easy-going person may let you do what you want but, on the other hand, you don’t want to live with a slob.

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Every relationship  needs a solid foundation if it’s to survive all life can throw at it. This  article looks at the seven essentials that spell success.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it’s hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you’ll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive.

If you’ve had bad experiences in the past, it’s worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it’s important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It’s important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you’ll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we’re willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don’t spend regular quality time together, chances are you’ll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it’s an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It’s the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement.

5. Argue well

It’s important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We’re all unique and so we’re bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don’t have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you’re both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals – including humans – will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it’s these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too – and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn’t easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.

Why you fall in love

As well as physical attraction, many people are drawn to someone who shares the same interests. This article explores why we fall in love with some people and not with others.

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided – with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It’s possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they’re able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you’re together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the ‘unconscious fit’.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they’ve left. It contains information we often haven’t acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person’s blueprint. The people we’re most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We’re looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we’re also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who’s the same as us, but most commonly we’re looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these?

Parent and child – this type of couple often has shared issues with dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is able to deny their own needs for dependency as they’re acted out by the other.

Master and slave – this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they’re ever subordinate, so they’re bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner’s control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer – both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshipper – when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood – you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog – on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it’s not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?

All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren’t aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feell they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behaviour that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship

Further help

If this article has raised some difficult issues for you then try talking it through with a partner or trusted friend. Alternatively you may want to consider counselling.

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